Funny Business

["Henry C.K. Liu" <hliu@xxxxxxxxxxxxxx>]

'Terminator 4: The Rise of Colin Powell'
By ANDY BOROWITZ

Just hours after Arnold Schwarzenegger announced his candidacy for
governor of California, the contest to replace Mr. Schwarzenegger in the
lucrative "Terminator" film series began in earnest.

Secretary of State Colin Powell was the first to toss his hat in the
ring, discreetly phoning several high-ranking executives at Warner
Brothers to let them know he was interested in taking over the
Terminator role. "He likes the idea of being in a job where people have
to listen to him, and if they don't, he can just blow them away," one of
Mr. Powell's confidantes said. "Plus, he won't have to deal with Wolfowitz."

Mr. Schwarzenegger's candidacy may have also created a perfect
opportunity for John Poindexter, who is set to depart the Pentagon after
his recent attempt to think outside the box was met with less enthusiasm
than his previous efforts. As soon as he heard the news, the
irrepressible plotter established a Terminator futures market to predict
his own chances of getting the prized role. So far, his prospects are
trading lower than those of fellow Terminator wannabes Dennis Kucinich,
Ralph Nader and Roseanne, but Mr. Poindexter still likes his chances.
"After Iran-contra, everyone left John for dead," noted one of Mr.
Poindexter's associates. "But like the Terminator, he keeps coming back."

On the Democratic side, Jerry Brown, the former California governor,
dropped a hint that he was interested in the Terminator part during a
speech in Oakland on Friday, when he departed from his prepared remarks
to drive a truck through a plate-glass window. While naysayers argue
that the role has traditionally been played by a Republican, Mr. Brown's
supporters are quick to point out that during his tenure as governor,
Mr. Brown established solid sci-fi credentials every time he opened his
mouth.

The conservative pundit Ann Coulter's rivalry with fellow pundit Arianna
Huffington is so white-hot, associates say, that Ms. Huffington's
decision to run for governor made it "a lock" that Ms. Coulter would try
for the role. Ms. Coulter's audition, however, was less than
encouraging. "The script just called for her to say, `Hasta la vista,
baby,' but she wouldn't stop there," one Warner executive said. "The
evil cyborg couldn't get a word in edgewise."

Why does Sean Penn want to be the new Terminator? Simple: he's tired of
politics, friends say, and wants to return to the movies full time. In a
field of long shots, however, Mr. Penn may be the longest shot of all,
according to the Warner executive: "After two decades of Arnold as
Terminator, I don't think the audience will accept an actor in the role."

Andy Borowitz is author of ‘‘Who Moved My Soap? The C.E.O.’s Guide to
Surviving in Prison.’’