the war against Christmas

[Jim Devine <jdevine03@xxxxxxxxx>]

Activist Judge Cancels Christmas

The ONION/December 14, 2005 | Issue 41•50

WASHINGTON, DC—In a sudden and unexpected blow to the Americans
working to protect the holiday, liberal U.S. 9th Circuit Court of
Appeals Judge Stephen Reinhardt ruled the private celebration of
Christmas unconstitutional Monday.
Enlarge ImageActivist Judge Cancels Christmas

[photo]
Per the court order, city workers take down the Christmas tree from
New York's Rockefeller Plaza.

"In accordance with my activist agenda to secularize the nation, this
court finds Christmas to be unlawful," Judge Reinhardt said. "The
celebration of the birth of the philosopher Jesus—be it in the form of
gift-giving, the singing of carols, fanciful decorations, or general
good cheer and warm feelings amongst families—is in violation of the
First Amendment principles upon which this great nation was founded."

In addition to forbidding the celebration of Christmas in any form,
Judge Reinhardt has made it illegal to say "Merry Christmas." Instead,
he has ruled that Americans must say "Happy Holidays" or "Vacaciones
Felices" if they wish to extend good tidings.

Within an hour of the judge's verdict, National Guard troops were
mobilized to enforce the controversial ruling.

"Sorry, kids, no Christmas this year," Beloit, WI mall Santa Gene
Ernot said as he was led away from his Santa's Village in leg irons.
"Write to your congressman to put a stop to these liberal activist
judges. It's up to you to save Christmas! Ho ho ho!"

Said Pvt. Stanley Cope, who tasered Ernot for his outburst: "We're
fighting an unpopular war on Christmas, but what can we do? The
military has no choice but to take orders from a lone activist judge."

Across America, the decision of the all-powerful liberal courts was
met with shock and disappointment, as American families quietly took
down their holiday decorations and canceled their plans to gather and
make merry.

"They've been chipping away at Christmas rights for decades," Fox News
personality John Gibson said. "Even before this ruling, you couldn't
hear a Christmas song on the radio or in a department store. I hate to
say it, America, but I told you so."

[photo]
Judge Stephen Reinhardt of the U.S. 9th Circuit of Appeals issues his ruling.

Gibson then went into hiding, vowing to be a vital part of the
Christmas resistance that would eventually triumph and bring Christmas
back to the United States and its retail stores.

The ban is not limited to the retail sector. In support of Reinhardt's
ruling, Sen. Ted Kennedy, a Jew, introduced legislation that would
mandate the registration of every Christian in the United States and
subject their houses to random searches to ensure they are not
celebrating Christmas.

"Getting rid of every wreath or nativity scene is not enough," Kennedy
said. "In order to ensure that Americans of every belief feel
comfortable in any home or business, we must eliminate all traces of
this offensive holiday. My yellow belly quakes with fear at the
thought of offending any foreigners, atheists, or child molesters."

America's children are bearing the brunt of Reinhardt's marginal,
activist rulings.

"Why did the bad man take away Christmas?" 5-year-old Danny Dover
said. "I made a card for my mommy out of paper and glue, and now I
can't give it to her."

Shortly after Dover issued his statement, police kicked down his door,
removed his holiday tree, confiscated his presents, and crushed his
homemade card underfoot.

A broad, bipartisan coalition of lawmakers has been working closely
with the White House, banding together in the hope of somehow
overruling the decision. So far, however, their efforts have been
fruitless.

"Our hearts go out to the Americans this ruling affects," Sen. Chip
Pickering (R-MS) said. "If it's any condolence, I wish you all a Happy
Holidays, which, I'm afraid, is all I'm legally allowed to say at this
time."

--
Jim Devine
"Segui il tuo corso, e lascia dir le genti." (Go your own way and let
people talk.) -- Karl, paraphrasing Dante.