Control Tower to Pilot
The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and
control towers around the world. Remember that the conversations are heard
by all pilots on that frequency in that area.
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Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351:
"Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
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"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." "Centre, we are at
35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever
heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm
f...ing bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting,
identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing
bored, not f...ing stupid!"
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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a
Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound." United 329: "Approach, I've
always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting
to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known
position?" Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll
out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard
right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able,
take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and
return to the airport."
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There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing
because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air
Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind
a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked,
"The dreaded seven-engine approach."
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Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and
returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A
concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the
problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,"
explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."
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A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the
following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance
time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in
English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German
airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from
another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the
bloody war."
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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency
124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the
way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end
of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind
Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that
report from Eastern 702?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for
takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our
caterers."
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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short
of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out,
turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted
comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little
plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to
let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of
DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for
another one."
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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was
with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call
sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of
active runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The
PA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground:
"Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand
by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with quite
arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt
before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, --
And I didn't land."
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While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight
departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with
a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air
crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you
to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right
there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and
D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she
was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up!
It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move
till I tell you to! You > can expect progressive taxi instructions in
about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I
tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes, ma'am,"
the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications
frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771.
Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her
current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was
definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and
keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
James M. Craven
Blackfoot Name: Omahkohkiaayo-i'poyi
Professor/Consultant,Economics;Business Division Chair
Clark College, 1800 E. McLoughlin Blvd.
Vancouver, WA. USA 98663
Tel: (360) 992-2283; Fax: (360) 992-2863
"The people who cast the votes decide nothing.
The people who count the votes decide everything."
Josef Stalin
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