oil found!

["Devine, James" <jdevine@xxxxxxx>]

MASSIVE OIL RESERVES FOUND INSIDE DICK CHENEY -- By Andy Borowitz.

Bush Vows to Liberate Vice President

Enormous reserves of petroleum rivaling those found in such oil-rich
nations as Saudi Arabia and Djibouti have been discovered inside Vice
President Dick Cheney, the White House confirmed today.

Doctors at Walter Reade Hospital made the discovery of the massive
reserves during a routine physical exam Wednesday, sending the price of
crude tumbling by eight dollars a barrel.

The discovery of bountiful petroleum reserves in Mr. Cheney's body could
not come at a better time for the U.S., which had been facing the
specter of soaring gas prices during the Memorial Day weekend.

The White House, which had been reluctant to tap the nation's Strategic
Petroleum Reserves to ease the staggering price rise, seemed more
amenable to exploiting the massive reserves inside Vice President
Cheney.

"The time has come for a coalition of the willing to liberate Dick
Cheney," President Bush said from the Rose Garden today. "If Dick Cheney
becomes democratic and free, democracy and freedom will spread to vice
presidents everywhere around the world."

But even as President Bush told reporters he was considering exploratory
drilling in the southern region of oil-rich Cheney, the Vice President
used an official statement to suggest he would balk at any proposal to
insert an oil spigot into his body.

"You can't drill me if you can't find me," the statement read. 

In other news, Alan Greenspan accepted the President's nomination to
serve another term as Chairman of the Federal Reserve, which would
extend his streak of fifteen years without forming a coherent sentence.
------------------------
Jim Devine jdevine@xxxxxxx & http:/bellarmine.lmu.edu/~JDevine
"It takes a busload of faith to get by." -- Lou Reed.