FW: sad saddam shocker

["Devine, James" <jdevine@xxxxxxx>]

MELANCHOLY SADDAM LONGS TO SHUT DOWN A NEWSPAPER

Former Dictator in âDeep Funk,â French Lawyer Says [by Andy Borowitz]

The U.S.âs shuttering of an Iraqi newspaper sent Saddam Hussein into a âdeep funk,â his French lawyer said today, as the former Iraqi dictator increasingly longs to shut down a newspaper himself.

âShutting down newspapers was an activity that Saddam always enjoyed,â lawyer Jacques Verges said. âWhen he heard that the U.S. had done it without him, it was a bitter pill to swallow.â

Monsieur Verges said that when he first told the Iraqi madman that the U.S. had padlocked the Baghdad paper, Saddam was despondent and inconsolable, shouting, âThat should have been me, damn it!â 

Saddam then demanded to speak to the U.S. interim administrator in Iraq, L. Paul Bremer III, to give Mr. Bremer âa list of helpful tipsâ on how to shut down newspapers in the future.

âSaddam felt that the shutting down of this newspaper was the work of amateurs,â Monsieur Verges said. âFor one thing, when you close a paper down, you never explain why you do it â thatâs a huge no-no.â

But so far, Mr. Bremer has rebuffed Saddamâs offer of assistance, saying that the U.S. was âperfectly well-equipped to shut down newspapers on our own, thank you very much.â

All of this has left Saddam increasingly depressed, M. Verges said: âTelling Saddam Hussein he canât shut down a newspaper is like taking away Tiger Woodsâs golf clubs: itâs just plain cruel.â

In other news, Condoleezza Rice announced today that her 9/11 testimony would be scheduled to coincide with the finale of âAmerican Idol,â the decisive NCAA championship game, and the reading of the verdict in the Kobe Bryant trial.

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Jim D.