breaking news.

["Devine, James" <jdevine@xxxxxxx>]

[from the ONION]

Bush Addresses 8.2 Million Unemployed: 'Get A Job!'

WASHINGTON, DC-Responding to the nation's worst unemployment rate since
the Hoover Administration, President Bush addressed the nation's 8.2
million unemployed workers in a televised speech Monday.

"The economy has been on the rebound for months, but 5.6 percent of you
are still out of work," Bush said. "Come on, people: Get a job! Don't
just sit there hoping that you'll win the lottery. Turn off that boob
tube, get off that couch, and start pounding the pavement."

When the number of people taking part-time jobs because they can't get
full-time work is factored in, the unemployment figure approaches 15.1
million, a number Bush called "unacceptable."

"My fellow Americans, don't come crying to me," Bush said. "I've got a
job. I go to work every day, whether I feel like it or not. I don't take
handouts, and I don't give them. That's a belief my daddy taught me.
Now, let's get this show on the road!"

The unemployment rate remains high, in spite of the many tax-cut
initiatives the Bush Administration has introduced over the past several
years.

"The government can only do so much," Bush said. "How hard can it
possibly be to find a job? A friend of mine lost his job when his
company went belly-up. Did he bitch and moan about it? Absolutely not.
He picked up the phone and started making cold calls, he landed back on
his feet, and now he's the chief financial officer of a major
petrochemical concern."

According to the president, the nation's unemployed need to make looking
for work a full-time job.

"How many applications have you filled out today?" Bush said. "You
should spend eight hours a day looking through the want ads, mailing
resumes, and pounding the pavement. You won't find a job moping around
the house and feeling sorry for yourself. If you're down-and-out, you
have to pull yourself up by the bootstraps. Life's hard, my friends. Get
used to it."

Bush addressed a complaint often made by unemployed workers: They are
unable to find jobs commensurate to their skill set due to lulls in the
technical and manufacturing sectors and the outsourcing of jobs to other
countries.

"If you wanted work as bad as you say you do, you'd take what you could
find," Bush said. "You gotta work your way up, instead of waiting around
for your dream job to fall into your lap. Walk before you run. Climb
your way up the ladder." 

Continued Bush: "I heard McDonald's is hiring. What's wrong with that?
Does your fancy degree say you can't work at a Mickey D's? You may not
be doing exactly what you want, but at least you'll have the pride of
knowing that you're earning your living."

A reporter asked for comment on a statistic which shows that only 21,000
new jobs were created in February, in spite of the Bush administration's
promise to create 320,000.

"I've got a statistic for you," Bush said. "You've got to look out for
No. 1. Take charge. I've got a job plan for the nation. It's called 'Get
off your duff.'"

Bush said the country is experiencing its longest average-unemployment
duration in 20 years, and he wants to see it end immediately.

"If you get an interview, walk in there like you're the only person for
the job," Bush said. "Show them you're willing to work. Show up early
and bring a broom. Sweep up the place while you're waiting for the
interview to start. That'll let them know you're a go-getter."

The president concluded his speech by encouraging the jobless to start
their search immediately.

"What are you doing listening to this speech when you should be out
there looking for work?" Bush asked. "Get a move on! Even my brother has
a job. He's no one special, and he's the governor of Florida! If he can
do that, you should be able to line up something at your local
Wal-Mart." 

With that statement, Bush left Secretary of Labor Elaine Chao to present
some of the finer points of his administration's new position.

"Get a haircut," Chao said. "Clean yourself up a little and put on a
nice shirt, or even a suit. Maybe employers would take you more
seriously if you didn't look like you just rolled out of bed. The way
you look now, I wouldn't hire you to throw me a rope if I was falling
off a cliff." 

------------------------
Jim Devine jdevine@xxxxxxx &  http://bellarmine.lmu.edu/~jdevine