FW: ATKINS DIET SHOCKER

["Devine, James" <jdevine@xxxxxxx>]

humor from Andy Borowitz: 

SADDAM PLANNED TO DESTROY U.S. WITH ATKINS DIET

Plotted âAxis of Obesity,â Says Bush

Saddam Hussein planned to destroy America by luring every man, woman and child onto the Atkins Diet, President Bush revealed today.

U.S. forces searching Saddamâs hideout in Tikrit uncovered the evildoerâs plans to destroy the U.S. with the fat-laden diet, the President said.

âWe now have conclusive proof that Saddam Hussein and his agents intended to turn us into a nation of artery-clogged, cellulite-jiggling fatsos,â Mr. Bush said. âHis evil knows no bounds.â

Mr. Bush said that the discovery of Saddamâs deadly diet plot justified the war with Iraq, calling the Atkins Diet âa weapon of mass consumption.â

The Defense Department later made available a copy of a seventeen-page memo, apparently authored by Saddam, detailing his plot to make the U.S. part of an âAxis of Obesityâ including Britain and Spain, two key U.S. allies in the invasion of Iraq.

According to the deadly document, the Iraqi madmanâs three-point plan was as follows: â1) Promote Atkins Diet 2) Market Atkins milkshakes, food bars, etc. 3) Watch them get fat and die.â

The White House later confirmed that the first apparent target of Saddamâs lethal Atkins plot was none other than Vice President Dick Cheney, who confirmed that he was going off the diet âimmediately.â

âFortunately, the Vice President only gained seventy-five pounds while on the diet,â White House spokesman Scott McClellan said. âBut that next Atkins shake could have been his last.â

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Jim Devine