outsourcing redux

["Devine, James" <jdevine@xxxxxxx>]

CEO's Marital Duties Outsourced To Mexican Groundskeeper

GROSSE POINTE, MI-As part of the ongoing trend toward replacing U.S.
workers with foreign labor, the marital duties of United Carborundum CEO
Howard Reinhardt have been outsourced to his Mexican groundskeeper,
industry sources revealed Monday. "It was time for a change," said
Reinhardt's wife Melanie, who has been married to the CEO for 17 years
and has conducted her sexual business almost exclusively with him since
1984. "While I was generally satisfied with the level of servicing that
I received under Howard, it was my feeling that a younger, more
aggressive hand on the tiller might bring some new ideas into play. No
matter how mutually satisfying the old deal was, its time had passed."

Although specific terms of the arrangement have not been made public,
Melanie allowed that she has been "very pleased" by the new
supplier-Jorge Escobedo, a 26-year-old gardener from Sierra Mojada who
has been working in the U.S. since February.

"The switchover was seamless, considering how rapidly the deal was
closed," said Melanie, who initiated the informal arrangement with
Escobedo on Nov. 20, while he was cleaning the equipment shed. "Well, in
truth, I was considering a move in this direction for some time, and
looking into possibilities. Then Jorge offered me a very attractive
package, and I decided it was in my interest to act. I've been very
pleased with his initial performance."

Melanie said Escobedo beats her former provider in availability,
reliability, and turnaround. He also requires minimal emotional
investment from Melanie, who is the sole receiver of the goods under the
new arrangement. Melanie offered few details on the ins-and-outs of the
deal, but she did report that the outsourcing is limited to Reinhardt's
marital duties. All previous supply arrangements with Reinhardt,
including those pertaining to housing and finance, are still very much
in effect.

"This isn't some sort of challenge to the American workforce as a
whole," Melanie said. "I'm just sending the jobs where they're going to
be done most efficiently. The acquisition of houses, automobiles, and
clothing will all still be in Howard's wheelhouse, but groundskeeping
and plowing are now to be managed by Jorge. It just makes sense."

Melanie said the outsourcing is a direct response to the expansion of
Reinhardt's duties at United Carborundum.

"Howard is simply too busy to personally keep track of every detail of
the marital union," Melanie said. "As long as he's available when he's
needed-major Reinhardt-family gatherings and the United Carborundum
holiday ball-I'm happy to have someone else's input day-to-day."

The Reinhardt household has been moving toward a more modular operation
for years now. Laundry duties are handled by a small Chinese concern;
child-rearing and education are performed by a live-in salaried Irish
employee; and a loosely organized, rotating consortium of Italians,
Japanese, and Greeks handles food service. The sexual-services
agreement, however, marks the Reinhardts' first use of highly skilled
foreign manpower.

The news of the outsourcing was met with little surprise in the greater
Detroit area, where community members are used to seeing hard-won jobs
go to foreign labor, and are aware of cooling relations in the Reinhardt
household.

"This proposal might not be the win-win situation that Melanie is
projecting," said Philip Johannsen, business writer for the Detroit Free
Press. "But it's going to be tough for Howard to say he didn't see it
coming. When it came time to find a groundskeeper, he delegated the
crucial domestic-hiring decision to his wife. He knows she's a very
proactive person, so it shouldn't surprise him that she took the
initiative to shore up areas of the household where she saw standards
slipping."

"If American executives are not willing to shoulder the increased
personal investment of time and energy required to keep the jobs
in-house, globalization is just something they're going to have to
accept," Johannsen added.

Howard Reinhardt was unavailable for comment, as he was scouting
locations in Oaxaca for a boron-nitride factory.

(c) Copyright 2003 by Onion, Inc. All rights reserved.

------------------------
Jim Devine jdevine@xxxxxxx &  http://bellarmine.lmu.edu/~jdevine