[PEN-L:31523] busted

["Ian Murray" <seamus2001@xxxxxxxxx>]

http://www.theonion.com/onion3839/63_percent_of_us.html
WASHINGTON, DC-The Securities and Exchange Commission announced Tuesday that
more than 63 percent of all U.S. citizens have been implicated in an illegal
stock-dumping, the latest scandal to rock the nation's economy.

"It's staggering how far-reaching this is," SEC chairman Harvey Pitt said.
"More than 175 million citizens from all walks of life are involved in one
criminal imbroglio. Everybody from white-collar workers to grandmothers,
boy-scout leaders, and the entire state of Delaware. Point a finger
anywhere, and you have a better chance than not of hitting a guilty party."

According to the SEC, on Jan. 15, Jerome P. Lippman, vice-president of
pharmaceutical giant Unocore Systems in Dallas, warned friends and business
associates of a failed merger with Pfizer. The information was leaked by an
as-yet-undetermined source, resulting in 98 percent of Unocore's stock being
sold off on Jan. 16, one day prior to an official public announcement of the
unsuccessful merger.

Pitt said the 2 percent of Unocore's stockholders who failed to sell off
their stock faced massive financial losses.

"The stock went from $235 to 13 cents a share in half an hour," said Kyle
Levey, an Arizona factory worker implicated in the scandal. "That's when I
knew I wasn't the only one with insider information. Sure enough, pretty
much everyone on my block was in on it, too. And everyone down at work. And
everyone at church."

Due to the enormous amount of paperwork involved in the scandal, the precise
details of who was involved and to what extent remains unknown. Prosecutors
say time will fill in most of the blanks.

"Everyone even remotely involved will be subpoenaed," Pitt said. "We've been
going state by state in alphabetical order to tell those implicated that
they will be brought to court. We're only up to Arkansas, though."

In order to streamline the notification process, the Justice Department will
scroll the names of implicated U.S. citizens on Court TV and CNN, as well as
during NBC's Thursday-night "Must See TV" block. Those listed are encouraged
to call the 800 number on the screen for further instructions on how to be
legally summoned to court.

"This is going to take years," Pitt said. "We've had to hire nearly 52
million people, or about 19 percent of the population, just to answer
phones."

With the economy already reeling from other corporate scandals and rising
unemployment, the news could not have come at a worse time.

"Sure, some people are temporarily employed because of this," said economist
Todd Langham, who was also implicated in the scandal. "But everyone else is
tightening belts and fearing the worst. Millions are facing steep fines and
possible jail time. They won't just get a slap on the wrist-unless they all
get sprung on a technicality, that is."

Many citizens have expressed outrage at those charged in the scandal.

"It's just crazy," Chicago homemaker Mary Anders said shortly after
Tuesday's announcement. "How so many people could be so greedy and corrupt
is beyond me."

Anders was served a summons later that day.

Some implicated citizens are hoping their involvement goes unnoticed due to
the enormity of the case, but prosecutors say they will diligently pursue
all wrongdoers.

"It will take a while, but everyone involved will have to face Lady
Justice," Pitt said. "Whether you sold one share or a thousand, using
insider information for profit is illegal, and you will be prosecuted. I
would recommend that the millions of people involved all chip in for a
really good lawyer."

As of press time, the remaining 175,145,456 citizens implicated in the
scandal had no comment.