US war aims clarified

[Jim Devine <jdevine@xxxxxxx>]

Our war aims - in general
AL Kennedy
Tuesday November 6, 2001
The Guardian [UK]

And now our daily news report from Washington - your other national
capital. Today, in our series of Clean Cut Americans - General Elmer
Coyote, former commander of Gamma Force:

Q: So, General, how can you help the tiny minority who are feeling wobbly
to understand the sad necessity of our War Against Badness, as currently
conducted by our wise and restrained leaders?

A: Thank you kindly, I'd be glad. First off, I'd have to say that anyone
who is, as we put it in military circles, a real live normal human being
will, by their very God-given nature, accept that everything we're doing
over in Afghanistan and on the home front is absolutely for the best.

As you know, the United States, and your United Kingdom never interfere
with foreign powers, but once we are roused, we act. The way may be stony,
still our will is strong and our war aims are absolutely clear, although
subject to the secrecy which must inevitably arise in matters of virtuous
defence.

Q: You couldn't give us a teeny clue about them, though?

A: We seek not to overthrow the Taliban, but to overthrow the Taliban,
which may take a while, or not that long at all, if you compare it to
Vietnam - not that you ever, ever should - and after victory we will allow
the Afghan people to elect a new government, or we will allow them to elect
the new government provided, which will be based, or not based, around the
Northern Alliance which is either a really keen bunch of patriots, or a
rabble of camel-jockey terrorists slightly less well-equipped than the
Taliban, and we will find Bin Laden and we will kill him, or bring him to
justice in another deadly way resulting in his law-abiding and perfectly
reasonable death when vengeance will be ours, but not in a vengeful way.

And when this is all over, Afghanistan will be a happy land, full of merry,
hopping children - hopping, mind you, not because they are amputees, but
because they are living in an earthly paradise of recognisable banking and
investment systems. We are fighting to defend our way of life and don't you
forget it. Amen.

Q: And could you expand a little on the qualities that make our way of life
so very, very good?

A: I had the honour to teach the current commander of the US forces when he
was a student at the College of Death Studies and he is a fine, warm man. I
think of him now, because often we would sit up nights and discuss what
made our way of life so precious. And it's, quite simply, this: cowards,
terrorists, communists and Muslims, they kill civilians on purpose, whereas
we in the west kill civilians as a sad necessity. We don't enjoy it.

Q: Some lunatics and subversives would say that, either way, you still end
up with innocent casualties, mutilated babies and so forth.

A: That is war and war is hell. And if they're so innocent, what are they
doing in
Afghanistan, anyway - the place is a shithole. And if, for example, a
mother knows we decapitated her daughter with the very best of intentions,
really as a kind of accident, it will surely make all the difference to
her. And I know your prime minister agrees. That's part of what makes the
special relationship so special.

Q: Yes, what about that special relationship?

A: It's special. It's full of specialness and it's really a relationship.

Q: Which means?

A: That Britain and the Britishers, above all others, understand that UK
politicians should be able to come stateside and pretend they have more
influence than a bucket of hog piss over the most powerful country in the
world.

And you also understand that, when all's said and done, we're going to do
what we damn well like, because our interests are the finest interests in
the world, but you can come along for the ride and peripheral dividends.
And we could get a little sickened by all this whining about grenades that
look like bandage rolls and "won't people get confused?" and "why keep
bombing Red Cross stations?"

Q: And the rumours that all US infantrymen who enter Afghanistan carry a
length of pipe with instructions to connect and lay them in the direction
of the Caspian?

A: Whatever this war is about, it is not about control of the vast Caspian
sea oil deposits. The United States has never had any interest in oil.
President Bush has never had any interest in oil. Neither the United States
or the United Kingdom have ever cynically exploited a conflict for their
own commercial advantage, or made a profit out of death.

Q: So no worries there, then. Thanks.

Jim Devine jdevine@xxxxxxx &  http://bellarmine.lmu.edu/~jdevine




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