Confessions of a Recovering Stalinist

[Hans Ehrbar <ehrbar@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>]

When I argued that Adolfo should not be kicked off the list, many of
you reminded me: don't you know that Adolfo and his supporters are
trying to take over the list?  Of course I knew this, but I was
gambling that they would not succeed, and that in the process we in
the list would be able to civilize them, just as the barbarians who
conquered the Roman Empire were civilized by their victims.  It is
indeed a gamble, and recently they made a surprising conquest.
I mean Louis Proyect's pronouncement, under the subject
heading "I support the PCP", that

>I consider the struggle of the PCP against both the Garcia and
>Fujimori dictatorships to be the most powerful revolutionary movement
>in Latin America in the last 50 years. I reject all charges that they
>are "terrorist".


The PCP needs a much hardier dose of criticism than Louis P seems
willing to give them.  Rahul was not the only one who rubbed his eyes
while reading Louis's declaration.  I was somewhat prepared for it,
because I had started to pay attention to Louis P's behavior in the past
few weeks.  He squandered a lot of his credibility with me, as he did
with many others on the list.  It is also enlightening to me that
Adolfo, who had such an important role in exposing Louis P., now has
no qualms accepting him as his ally when it is politically expedient.
This reminds me of Mao and Sukharno.


The second point I want to make is closely related to the first: It is
my perception that the PCP, even though one should not call them a
terrorist organization, are indeed using terror.  Considering the fact
that Louis P and Chris B, two prominent intellectuals on this list who
are very "soft" on the PCP, were also the two principal targets of the
PCP's threats at violence, one has to wonder whether this terror has
pehaps had success.


I do not mean this to be a criticism of Louis P or Chris B.  This
would be blaming the victims.  The terror of the Shining Path almost
worked in my case too.  I almost went down the slippery slope myself.
(Ok ok I know, some of you think I went down there long ago.)  Here is
the evidence.  I will once more reveal my private thoughts, because we
must understand how this terror works.


Early Tuesday morning I wrote:

> Even though I know that as I write this here, Adolfo is trying to
> lodge a vicious attack against me, I still consider him a true
> revolutionary who should have a place on this list.

I had qualms about this sentence afterwards.  I asked myself: why did
I call him a "true" revolutionary?  "Revolutionary" without the "true"
would have been much more accurate.


But that was in the back of my mind.  What occupied me during a few
free moments during the day was the question: Why am I not afraid that
the PCP is going to send one of their hit men after me?  The answer I
came up with was two-pronged:

(a) I would consider this not a crime but a mistake.

(b) The danger that some religious fanatic in Utah kills me because
of my marxist classes is bigger than that the PCP does.

I was not aware at that time that I was indeed scared out of my wits.
Even now I am not able to consciously feel more than a shadow of this
fear.  I feel a void where this fear should be, but in my
self-therapy I have learned to sometimes notice when I am hiding
something from myself.

On Tuesday evening I was not aware of my fear at all; at that time I
did not know that I was hiding something from myself.  I gained this
knowledge in two steps.

(1) Then I sat down at my computer again, the following brief message
flashed across my screen, given as a response to my earlier message:

> Welcome to the new hero.
> Marie Acacia

Marie, who are you?  You noticed that there is something fishy.  And
you told me in very gentle ways.  Did you know why I was playing the
hero?  You cannot have known that a few hours earlier I had toyed with
going really overboard with it and write some crap about: "when the
PCP killers come, this is not a crime but a political mistake," which
would have been every bit as embarrassing as Louis P's "I support the
PCP and I will not challenge them very much because one can never know
about revolutionary movements anyway" (I am exaggerating here a little).


It is one of the unique strengths of this list that people will step
in and give decisive support in a critical moment.  It happens often
enough to really make a difference.  I have never heard from Marie
before, to my knowledge it is her only posting in the last three
months.  I thank you, Marie, that you showed me the trap in which I
was caught.  I had swallowed hook line and sinker the putrid moralism
which Adolfo is spewing on this list.  Instead of repudiating it as a
vicious means of repression, I tried to be holier than Adolfo, which
is not possible, because Adolfo is as moral as a monk.  I was already
starting to build the case for my trial.  Had I lived in the period of
Stalin's show trials, I would have been one of those who protested
their loyalty to Stalin the very moment he was being executed.


(2) What was Stalin's reaction to those sorry types?  Contempt.  I got
a taste of it when Adolfo made the side remark, in response to my
announcement that I could not answer my mail for a couple of days,
"Kerensky is hiding".  Fortunately, I was assured enough of my
self-worth that I could take the cue, and only then did I face up to
it that *I was indeed afraid*.


Regarding Adolfo's attack, Chris Burford defended me saying that I had
to work in order to maintain my credibility as a professor.  Perhaps
this was meant to be soothing, but it was not helpful.  Chris should
have said: of course Hans is afraid, there is nothing wrong with being
afraid.  Only if I face up to my feeling can my mind stay clear and
escape the terror which the Shining Path tries to exercise not
only in Peru but also on this List.  I think this is very important:
if I know that I am afraid, then I am free to decide what to do about
the danger.  But if I don't know that I am afraid, my mind will play
tricks on me because of it.


I am curious to hear whether this is just me or whether others on this
list have had similar experiences.  If we discuss this openly, we will
perhaps be able to combat the terror-supported mind control the
Shining Path is trying to exercise.


Hans Ehrbar.


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