AUT: FYA, For Your Amusement

["Harry M. Cleaver" <hmcleave@xxxxxxxxxxxxxx>]

---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Wed, 7 Oct 1998 22:28:11 -0700
From: bob <bobrosen@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
Reply-To: Forum on Labor in the Global Economy <LABOR-L@xxxxxxxx>
To: LABOR-L@xxxxxxxx
Subject: Fw: To the meek:  Watch Out!

-----Original Message-----
From: Peter Langston <psl@xxxxxxxxxxxx>
To: Fun_People@xxxxxxxxxxxx <Fun_People@xxxxxxxxxxxx>
Date: Wednesday, October 07, 1998 2:13 PM
Subject: To the meek: Watch Out!


>X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649
>Forwarded-by: elshaw@xxxxxxx (Libby Shaw)
>Forwarded-by: stephenk@xxxxxxxx (Stephen Kagan)
>Forwarded-by: crazed.reb@xxxxxxxx
>
> CHURCH UPSCALES: MEEK ARE OUT
>
> VATICAN CITY--In a historic reversal of its nearly 2,000-year-old pro-meek
> stance, the Catholic Church announced Tuesday that it is permanently
> rescinding the traditional "blessed" status of the world's meek.
>
> "Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ once said, 'Blessed are the meek,'" said
> Pope John Paul II in a papal bull read before the College of Cardinals.
> "However, there has always been a tacit understanding between the Church
> and the meek that this 'blessed' status was conditional upon their
> inheritance of the earth, an event which seems unlikely to happen anytime
> in the foreseeable future. Our relationship, therefore, must be
terminated."
>
> "Screw the meek," the Pope added.
>
> Citing "two millennia of inaction and non-achievement" by the world's
> impoverished and downtrodden, the Pope contended that the meek's historic
> inability to improve their worldly status constituted "bad faith" on their
> part.
>
> "Twenty centuries should have been more than enough time for them to
> inherit the earth," the Supreme Pontiff said. "For years, the Catholic
> Church has made every effort to help them, but at some point, enough is
> enough. We are patient, but we are not saints."
>
> Catholic leaders around the world were vocal in their support of the Pope.
>
>      "The meek have abused their blessed status for far too long now,"
said
>   Bernard Law, Archbishop of Boston. "From the Renaissance to the
>   Industrial Revolution to the current Global Information Age, the meek
>   have always somehow managed to sit back and do nothing while others
>   worked hard to make advances and improve their lives. They have
collected
>   the Catholic Church's spiritual welfare checks for long enough."
>
>      "Everything about the meek, from their simple garments to their quiet
>   demeanors to their utter lack of can-do spirit, goes against Church
>   philosophy," Cardinal Jean-Claude Turcotte of Montreal said. "Sitting
>   back and expecting the Lord to provide is not the type of behavior for
>   which the Church should be rewarding its followers."
>
> The change in policy toward the meek is also rooted in financial
> considerations: According to Vatican statistics, though more than 80
> percent of the world's Catholics live below the poverty line, the Catholic
> Church receives less than 2 percent of its annual earnings of $395 billion
> from such people.
>
> "The meek's blessed status was originally bestowed upon them by Jesus
> Christ Himself, but there is enough latitude in His gospels and teachings
> to allow us discretion in this manner," the Pope said, "especially in
light
> of the financial goals of the Church as it enters the 21st century. From
> this day forward, the Church position shall be, 'Blessed are the affluent,
> for they have indeed inherited the Earth.'"
>
> In an effort to move away from its traditional meek core demographic and
> attract more upscale worshipers, Vatican officials announced a number of
> changes for the Gospels. Among them: Christ shall be said to have been
born
> in a rustic-but-spacious birthing suite and not a manger, with the amount
> of gold and frankincense bestowed upon Him by the wise men quadrupled and
> the amount of myrrh halved; it shall henceforth be as easy for a rich man
> to enter Heaven as it is for a camel to pass through a heated three-car
> garage; and the episode between Christ and the moneylenders in the temple
> shall from now on be interpreted as an internecine argument over
> appropriately aggressive fund-raising tactics.
>
> According to Holy See spokesperson Salvatore Vittorio, a new Catholic
> Church payment plan has been established, with blessedness and God's
> everlasting love free of charge once a nominal baptism/membership fee has
> been paid. For an additional fee, Catholics can become "Gold Circle"
> members of the Church, entitling them to such perks as forgiveness,
> sainthood and special priority seating at the right hand of the Father
upon
> death.
>
> "We do not wish the Church to become completely exclusionary,' Vittorio
> said. "If any of the former meek wish to change their ways, they may
> certainly do so. But it won't be the free ride they got before, I can
> promise you that."
>
> "The Lord will provide, of course," the Pope said. "But He also helps
those
> who help themselves, if you know what I mean."
>



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