Re: AUT: Re: child custody

[Katha Pollitt <kpollitt@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>]

Dear Harald,

   Thanks for your further thoughts and clarifications on child custody.
You ask about the history of mothers getting custody of children upon
divorce. This was a big demand of the nineteenth-century women's
movement in America, precisely because the laws were so unfair and
resulted in so much tragedy. (america has always had one of the world's
highest rates of divorce, so perhaps it was a bigger issue here than in
Europe). Remember too that child custody doesn't just, or didn't just,
have to do with divorce -- a man  determined the place of residence, so
a father could decamp with the children to another state, and the woman
would have no recourse.
  This situation changed I think around the l920s, when the standard
became "the best interests of the child."  (Not sure of the date, I'll
check). In practice this usually meant the mother -- but it was never
automatic.  for instance, a woman who was unfaithful during the marriage
could be denied custody -- and there are tragic cases of women losing
custody for a single act of infidelity.
  In a macro kind of way, the shift from children as paternal property
to  children mostly going to the mothers probably reflected --besides
the increasing legal rights of women --  the shift in the social role of
children, from people who produced income on farm or in factory (thus
valuable to fathers whether or not there was love) to people whom
parents had to spend lots of money on (thus not valuable to men except
for love). Most men did not, and do not want custody of their children.
They don't even want to share custody of their children. Even when
fathers win custody, studies show the kids end up back with the mom in
many cases.
   In the United States, the preference for granting mothers custody was
more of a judicial tradition than a law, was always subject to sexist
ideas of maternal fitness, and lasted for about fifty years.
  But  those days are GONE. Today, the situation you would like to see
has been put into place: when fathers do sue for custody, they win at
least half the time. In California judges are supposed to impose joint
custody  if one parent wants it, even if the other doesn't -- with very
poor results. (My ex-husband and I have joint custody, and its working
well -- but I know from experience how much good will and cooperation it
requires.)
  Now the problem with all this is that judges are Still sexist: several
recent famous custody cases in the US have shown that many judges think
a working mom is neglectful -- but a working father is a good solid
family man.  As in real life, a father gets credit for every little
child-related thing he does, whereas a mother is judged by every little
thing she doesn't do.  thus, a father who does half the child care is
regarded as a saint by judge and community -- but a woman who does half
is seen as nothing special in the parent department. This means that a
standard that looks neutral on the face of it  is in fact biassed toward
men.
  In the US men have been awarded custody who are wife beaters-- only
now are some states making judges take into account paternal violence
against the mother as maybe suggesting a problem!

   Well, I could go on and on.  The truth is, I only know one exhusband
who really  pulls his weight as a divorced father, and that's my
exhusband. The others do the parts of fatherhood they enjoy and assume
their exwives will do the rest. Just like when they were married!

   You say you are concerned that giving more fathers custody will keep
women in bad marriages. I think there are women in bad marriages right
now because their husbands have threatened to take the kids.

   Most marriages are so sexist, so biassed in favor of the man, I think
giving men more of a shot at custody should be the LAST step rather than
the first, as you propose. ( I know you're not thinking primarily about
the law -- but child custody is a legal matter, so you have to think
about court decisions and such).
  when men do half the child care, sacrifice as much for the kids (and
their mother), cut back at work as much, do as much housework, work as
hard on family life, give up domestic violence anmd marital rape and all
the rest of it -- then we can talk again! when men have done all the
things I've mentioned, women will WANT to share custody with them.
Indeed, the truth is, right now women want more involvement from their
exhusbands than the exhusbands typically want to  give.
  Children are not what keep women from liberation.Society could easily
provide single mothers with as much help and child care and money as
most of them get from their men.
   Sexism is the problem.

   cheers, katha


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