[A-List] Axis of Evil Wannabes

["Craven, Jim" <jcraven@xxxxxxxxx>]

 Axis of Evil Wannabees
 by John Cleese

 Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya,
China and Syria today announced that
 they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be more
evil than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North   Korea axis President Bush warned of
in his State of the Union address. Axis of  Evil members, however,
immediately dismissed the new Axis as having,for starters, a really dumb
name. "Right. They are just as evil . . . in their dreams!" declared North
Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils . . . best
at being evil . . . we're the best." Diplomats from Syria denied they were
jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they
could join the Axis of Evil. "They told us it was full," said Syrian
President Bashar al-Assad. "An axis can't have more than three countries,"
explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's
tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil
Axis. So, you can only have three, and a secret handshake. Ours is wickedly
cool." International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift,
as within minutes, France surrendered. Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations
rushed to gain triumvirate status in what has become a game of geopolitical
chairs. Cuba, Sudan and Serbia announced that they had formed the "Axis of
Somewhat  Evil," forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the
"Axis of Occasionally Evil," while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia
established the "Axis of Not So Much Evil Really as Just Generally
Disagreeable." With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable
clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called
the "Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to
Host the Olympics". Canada, Mexico and Australia formed the "Axis of Nations
That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Some Nasty Thoughts About
America," while Scotland, New Zealand and Spain established the "Axis of
Countries That Want Sheep to Wear Lipstick." "That's not a threat, really,
just something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack
McConnell. While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps
making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axis, although
he rejected the establishment of the "Axis of Countries Whose Names End in
'Guay," accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials
from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.  Israel, meanwhile,
insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately world leaders said
that's only because no one asked them.